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Laren's Cancer Blog

Striking camp

This is perhaps an odd title for what I’m feeling today. It’s been very hard. Yesterday, of course, was Valentine’s Day. We weren’t big on it, because we thought it was it was kind of a scam by the greeting card industry, but we always noticed it. I went to a movie solo. Today I spent doing the paperwork for Barbara’s passing, death certificates, closing bank accounts, etc.  All the bureaucracy that represents a functioning existence. I felt like I was breaking camp, removing the traces that represented the outlines of her life. Which I don’t want to do, but must so that my life will function. Last night was my first alone in a house way too big for one person but that is filled with Barbara’s presence.

I hate to be such a Debbie Downer, but you guys have been my friends. I celebrate each of you who manages to elude the clutches of this beast.  Bless you all. Laren

Valerie sent you a prayer.
4 people sent you a hug.
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*soft paw* We are thinking of you. For us, the closing down of bank accounts etc was like a lot of little deaths, each one a painful reminder of what had happened, and there was a niggling feeling of betrayal, as if we were wiping our beloved from our lives. But yes, you gotta do what you gotta do so that you can function. The bureaucracy was a small and insignificant part of Barbara's life - the major and most precious part was her place in your family and your hearts, and that will never change. Hugs :*)
Marcia likes this comment
I so remember going through the same thing, and feeling the same emotions. As Thomas said, it waslike a lot of little deaths. The nights are the hardest. I had lots to do during the day, but after the sun went down! I had a good friend that told me, do everything in your own time. Don’t let anyone try to rush you, and if it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. For the first year, I felt guilty going anywhere, like I was cheating on Rick. This year, the guilt is less and I know he would have “kicked” my butt if I didn’t go. I found that when the emotions hit, and they do, just let them go. You need to talk, tell your story, cry, laugh, and remember!
Thomas likes this comment
So first of all on a slightly lighter note you have to change the term from Debbie Downer to doggie Downer because Debbie gets upset the last time I used that term doggie down there is okay Debbie Downer is not.

I got this book a while ago and I read a couple pages but never got very far into it however I just started it again and it's called... Good grief... And I would just say Google it and leave it at that... Just take a look... The woman who wrote it I respect her highly. And although I realize you may not feel like reading anything on the subject right now I think you might find it helpful... Very... the full title is good grief, healing through the shadow of loss... And the author is Deborah Morris Coryell
Thomas likes this comment
It is hard to go through the paperwork that forms around your loved one's life. Perhaps, you have a friend or family member that can come spend time with you as you go through some of these necessary things. A pet or becoming a foster parent to animals in need of a home until they are adopted may give you companionship when others are not around. Do what you have to do now and that which can wait, put off so all is not so overwhelming. With the warm weather in Atlanta do get outside and take a walk each day. Exercise and vitamin D are both mood boosters. I know the difficulties in forming a "new" you after such a long marriage. My father was married 54 years when my mother passed away from pancreatic cancer. Reach out to support groups or friends. Hugs to you.
Remember that Barbara lives on through her memories and the children and grandchildren that you shared.
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Joe and I are not big on Valentine's Day either because really, we should have those feelings EVERY day. I was so glad to see your post brcause even though you have your family, we're a different family for you, and we're always here. I can't say I know how you feel, but I empathize with the banking/financial part of your post; I was Executrix of a Will twice and I felt the same way. How's lil George doing?
Thomas likes this comment
George is doing wonderfully well and growing like a weed. I look forward to seeing him again soon.
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Thinking about you Laren and sending thoughts of Christian love .. hugs and love and always prayers Sabina
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Amid the weeds, a flower blooms

i just got back from my daughter’s house. Her partner just gave birth to a son! He is a doll. They named him George, after Barbara’s dad. She would have been so thrilled. I am still in deep grief, but to see his darling face and button nose fills me with joy and hope. Life is so crazy, giving equal amounts of sadness and ecstasy at the strangest moments. Of course, when she got pregnant she was not aware of the timing with the progression of Barbara’s disease. But I am happy to observe that life can go on in the presence of death.

Joy threw a punch at your cancer.
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Congratulations on the wonderful new life you get to indulge yourself into. Of course you are consumed in grief but what a wonderful break. I'm thrilled for you and your family. Barbara is in our hearts too. It's so good to hear from you Lauren.
Thomas likes this comment
I have been thinking of you a lot. I meant to send an email earlier and got sidetracked. I am so glad to hear your voice, and glad too that his darling face and button nose was able to part the red sea for a bit to reach through and touch you in a very beautiful and needed, balming way...ok, so I made up a word.... not my first time... amazing that you are able to lift your dark glasses and see some of the light amidst the dark....Barbara would have been thrilled to see the baby and you are her proxy....and I would bet she would be glad that you could feel and share in the joy... Love to you and congratulations on your family's joyous occasion and healthy boy adding to your circle
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*soft paw* What beautiful and happy news. There are some who believe that in the moment before birth, the soul exists in eternity - and I reckon it was in that moment that Barbara shared an eternity with Baby George and gave him her blessing and love. Peace and hugs to you all :*)
Marcia likes this comment
Today you witnessed the truth and the beauty of life and death.
Welcome George. When you grow a bit your Grandpa will tell you a beautiful story of your grandmother.
Love to you Laren.
I think you just got the 👍🏻sign from Barbara. She's okay. Congratulations on another Grandchild. George is a fine name.
Beautiful news. The cycle of life. I'm sure a newborn - then a toddler - will be just about the most life-affirming thing that could happen for you right now, Laren. Barbara is looking after you! Stay strong. 💪🏽
Babies are sweet reminders of a life of love. Enjoy George and the time spent with him.
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July 19, 2015

Loved One is a Cancer Survivor/Fighter

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